I cant say this chinese new year has been better but it is definitely different. So much seems to be changing but im uncertain despite looking forward. Theres the usual which includes the warmth at my granny's house with my aunties, uncles & cousins that never cease and i am so so grateful for that. The hanging out complaining each year being even more boring than the last but we stay anyway. The tenth hour excitement- rushing down to Ikea before it closes in an hour. Laughing at the adults' inabilities to restraint themselves from hokkien vulgarities in front of us, i.e. my dad swearing at an innocent garung guni man when he cant sleep in the afternoon or my aunt muttering kaopei la to the beeping sensor when shes stressed doing parallel parking. Of course, the mahjong sessions and banluck where the banker never wins. The accusing of one another hiding cards underneath thus the permanent 21dots. This year, we poured out old photographs, amongst the whole stack of them, one particularly caught me.

My youngest uncle probably 5 years old sitting on hard soil playing with masak and my youngest aunty, about 7 on the tricycle, both of them situated in front of the kampong, eyes away from the camera, individually into their toys. It is a rather tiny photograph, black and white with a centi-mentre white border photographed by my very own father! Looking at the picture, i suddenly felt enlightened. Of all the things i have ever wondered about, why havent i once considered this? My dad, that aunt who never fails to notice how much weight you've put on, that uncle who has always been so kind asking you how are you and whether or not you've eaten or she, your personal favourite whos always happy to buy you things, take you places you wanna go, bring you to the zoo, to the arcade, all of them, they were once... kids. Kids without responsibilities, kids who skipped school, kids who had fun without a worry until, i dont know what came along that made them all forget. I think i grew up in a great family i know i can always fall back on. I am happy that we are not a family of scholars or rich & famous. Just a bunch of undivided generosity, love for ikea+giant and a couple of hokkien swearwords. Because of the adults and their sacrifices, this is my safe haven.

This morning i was being a bitch to sheila and my mum. I just couldnt be bothered then i remembered something. If you love enough, nothing else really matters. It doesnt matter whether or not you win during the fight or whether you have proved your point because so what if you haven't? You still love and there is no battlefield.


rip, ah meng

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