fuck this is too painful. oh god. i rather die than sit here and be judged for trying my best. i never meant this. this is the most i can take. maybe tmrw, id do better. but today ive arrived. i cannot go on any further. Jesus i am trying to hold myself together. but i keep tearing apart. the accumulated pain, the ups and downs. I rather be down all the way than to be sent to the skies only to plummer in hell because that is what you give me. that is what you give me all the time. because i make mistakes, i am cold and i am heartless. these words they don't just hurt but coming from you, they make those awfuk thoughts and evil voices come true. And my soul is defeated. i cannot defend myself anymore

so there you are, rightful in your place. go on this is where you triumph and you can watch me as i turn into something you've foreseen

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